I have an old friend whom I love to spend time with. We always said that we would travel together when we retired. But my friend’s new life partner is a wet blanket! He’s a picky eater, doesn’t like to walk and complains constantly. Still, I’ve been careful to accommodate him: changing restaurants, for instance, and avoiding anything strenuous. I don’t want to upset my friend with negative opinions about his partner. But now my friend wants to plan a European trip focusing on great restaurants. I don’t want to waste my hard-earned time and money traveling with his partner and his depressing issues. How do I tell my friend that including his partner on trips is a deal breaker?
FRIEND
You don’t! I have enough experience with old friends and their new partners to tell you definitively that an ultimatum like “It’s him or me” will probably spell disaster for your friendship. Your friend’s partner is important to him, and I think you know this already: It’s why you’ve been so deferential toward him. And continuing this wise approach may help you preserve a dear friendship.
Now, I agree that taking a food tour through the great restaurants of Europe with a picky eater sounds unappetizing. (Calf’s brain, anyone?) But I predict you will achieve a happier result here by acting solicitously: “I would hate for your partner to be uncomfortable in restaurants that are more adventurous than he likes. Let’s come up with a plan that works for everyone.” You may want to be (much) more direct, but there is no upside to criticizing your friend’s partner.
Here’s the thing: Our lives are always changing. You may be understandably sad that your relationship with your friend is different now from when you first discussed traveling together. But he is not dumping his partner for you. So, look for the best result you can find now: Maybe a monthly dinner for two at the foodiest joints in town?
Skipping a Son’s 2021 Wedding: Snub or Caution?
My husband and I married during the pandemic. We postponed the wedding from 2020 to 2021, but there were still Covid protocols in place. My husband’s parents lived abroad and decided not to attend. They said they didn’t want to quarantine in a hotel for five days after arrival, which was required then. I was very hurt. I believe one reason they didn’t come is that it was my husband’s second wedding and they were disappointed by his divorce. We have been married for three years now, and I have a good relationship with my in-laws, but I am still hurt by this. How do I move on?
DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
You are entitled to your feelings. And you may have had good reason not to further postpone your wedding. But expecting your in-laws to quarantine for nearly a week and to risk contagion during a pandemic seems unfair — and selfish. Now, we all get wrapped up in ourselves occasionally, and you may be right about your in-laws’ feelings about your husband’s divorce. In my experience, though, the grudges I hang on to often echo slights that I’ve suffered in the past. You may want to explore this with a therapist, because on its face, your in-laws’ decision seems reasonable.
Hello? Is This Thing On?
I recently got engaged and bought a house with my fiancé. (I am in my 20s.) I am so excited, but I feel let down by my friends’ lack of acknowledgment of these major life events. Most of them live in other states. I send birthday cards and engagements gifts to let them know I’m thinking of them. I don’t do this for reciprocation; I want to put effort into our friendships. Am I entitled to feel let down?
FRIEND
Congratulations on your big news! I applaud your desire to maintain long-distance friendships. In my experience, though, sending cards and gifts is not always the best route. It’s thoughtful, for sure! But it’s a one-way transaction. It may be more effective to try engaging your friends in a low-key way that allows for easier response — on the phone or over text, for instance. Give that a shot.
Also, as a fellow home buyer at a young age, my purchase depended on the privilege of finishing college without student debt and borrowing a down payment from my parents. (Your situation may be different.) But consider how your news may hit friends your age who are struggling. My second suggestion: Move away from big accomplishments and shoot the breeze about daily pleasures and challenges instead.
The Tangled Gifts We Give
I’ve recently fallen in love with weaving. At first, I made gifts of tapestries to family and friends. I stopped after realizing that art can be awkward to receive, and I felt bad if people weren’t receptive. Now I make tapestries only for people who ask for them. I broke my rule and made a piece for a child’s fourth birthday. At her hectic party, the girl opened my gift without much notice, and I haven’t heard anything since. May I confirm that her mother saw it?
WEAVER
Absolutely! I’m sure it took lots of time and effort to make your gift. Going forward, though, stick with your wise plan about giving art only to people who ask for it. A 4-year-old is probably not your target audience (and her mother may not have seen it or known that you made it).